NOVEMBER '24: Dirty Tricks and Bullshit

Today we're just opening with the swords, because what started as a short and simple newsletter has turned into a bit of a monster, so, without further ado:

THE SWORDS BIT

I've spent the last few days collecting funny and/or dirty tricks from various historical fencing manuals. It’s important not to take them completely at face value. People lie, people bullshit, people tell jokes that – through time and translation – have lost their obvious tongue-in-cheek-ness. I cannot say everything listed below was actually done, all I can say is that somebody wrote it down. There are some cases like Fiore where it’s “really good book that throws in something completely left-field” and some cases like Briocci where it seems like medieval bullshido to scam people into buying a pamphlet. I’ve editorialised a little about each source’s reliability, but I leave you to draw your own conclusions. 

Domingo Luis Godinho and POCKET SAND

Godhino’s fencing is largely sound, but it also includes this paragraph which … 

Look, I’m a proud woman, but even I can admit this would get me. He’d throw the first pocket sand in my eyes and I’d lower my brim, deflecting it effortlessly, then I’d look up and say “heh, nice tr—” then immediately get a second pocketful of sand in the face. I am prepared for exactly one (1) pocketful of sand and no more. 

When (perhaps by your disgrace) you have enemies that a times are waiting for you, in night as well as during the day, make use of a trick: in the right pocket, bring a little bit of sand, the finest that you can find. When they begin drawing, take the sand and scatter it at the eyes. Take great advantage of this trick, especially at night, because if you are attacked then by one as well as by more, do the same – especially when cloak wielders want to wave their cloak and front you – do the same, carrying a provision of sand in the pocket on the left side, and after the battle begins, go continually putting a hand in it, taking it and scattering it in their faces, and pay much attention to this in the extremely.

Throwing stuff in your opponents’ eyes isn’t wacky, it’s the thought of walking around with pockets filled with sand and absolutely nothing else that’s making me side-eye this a bit. Like it might work, sure, but also you’re spending all day with both pockets stuffed with sand instead of like … using them as pockets to hold your stuff. This is however, far from the most squirrely thing you are about to read.  

Michael Hundt’s name isn’t actually a dirty pun in German, he’s just called that 

Oh god I do not know what to make of Michael Hundt. Some of his fencing advice is unexciting-if-sound but one thing he really likes is throwing your sword at your opponent and running away. I’m not kidding, there are three different variants of this. 

If your grace will use shooting with the rappier, usually when you are against two or three, during the day or night, Then you must give diligent attention to the thrust and cut, and carefully displace, would your grace however be tired, so that you cannot continue, and especially when your life is in danger, then take your rappier back by the pommel and wind up with all your might, and throw it at the group, and look around for another good advantage, or with it, take refuge to the preservation of life and limb, when you can do nothing else, and you would rather live than be dead.

If your grace sees that one will use this same shooting of the rappier on you, then go round about with him in the circle, and hold his replay, however if he goes with his blade as if he will go away, then step with the left leg back to the 4. and run off with the whole blade before your body, and take out the thrust together with his blade, so that his blade is above and comes over and away from your blade, then he cannot do it, however your grace has him thereafter how you can have him, to make an exit, as you want it.

it happens from time to time, that one in the night will be attacked by several, it is wherever it will be, often from four or five or more people, and some therefore will be robbed, that it costs him his life and limb, and usually, when one in the night will resort to coupling, because often the other waits for his turn, as well this can sometimes happen, then do this thing, and keep safe a good rappier for yourself. However, if your grace will be assaulted on the way home, by a whole group of enemies, then take your rappier with both fists and shoot it at the whole group, and see hereafter where your grace can gain further protection, because need sometimes breaks iron, ere you live, there you give.

I need to know how many swords Michael Hundt lost doing this. Does he schlep his way to the blacksmith the morning after and go “mornin’ Hans” and Hans goes “the usual?” and old mate Mikey lets out a sullen “yep”. 

Hundt is not done though, and here we find, historically attested, pointing and saying “look behind you”. 

If your grace wants to do a dirty trick, it is in fencing or in brawling, in dagger and rappier alike, then use nothing more than these words, "I won't fight with the two of you, rather only with one" and when he wants to look around, he comes up short, and you can thrust him through and through, also hurt him in cutting, when he is not quite at the door, and is said rightly: "Offer your enemy the face, do not trust him too much," that is to say, a correct deception, in fencing or in brawling, you can also do it as a past time, when your grace has the pleasure in a challenge, however in dire need and in great misfortune these techniques are also good to use.

and also “use a gun”.

“It sometimes helps wonderfully, when brisk people come together, whether Noble or non Noble, and are there to fight with hatred, how also today the weapons in the brawling are not equal, and may soon reduce one to the other in thrusting and in cutting, how it is now the custom in several Lands, which is also heard, where one has a dagger and rappier and the other has a short barreled weapon and rappier, and rather, when one is forced to use rappier and dagger, and he has learned nothing of it: So your grace, instead of the Dagger, take a short barreled weapon, and there it will be well revealed, what is the best thing to do, or not, Where dissimilar weapons before the opponent will be used, then in the case of emergency must one use, what one can think of, because it is all come to the utmost, now in these dangerous times in the World.”

The last two are like … I mean a bit cartoony but could actually work. I think the issue with throwing your sword is that after it’s done you don’t have a sword anymore, but I guess that’s why he then advocates running away. 

Johannes Lecküchner and the Sack

This one seems less like “dirty trick to pull in an actual fight” so much as “prank to pull in the practice hall” but it’s extremely funny and I couldn’t leave it out. There are two paragraphs bringing up sacks that you put your opponent in, and if it’s not some sort of injoke then I … I mean,  for the love of God, put him in the sack! 

if you want to throw him into a bag, so secretly appoint two men with your bag, who stay behind the people. Then, grab him as it is announced before and tell the two to raise the bag and press him firmly and make him crawl to it. If he does not want to crawl into, grab with your right hand on the outside at his right knee-bending and throw him into it in the name of God.

Here the master speaks about a skillfull element with which one can bind and clench and hold one. And when one wishes, one forces the man with this element that he must stand still. And when you want to do it, so that he must run quickly or slowly-thus, he must do it. And you also force him so that he himself has to crawl into a bag, if you want to have it done. That is why the element is called by masters the “Hidden Grab,” as one should not make this element common and should not let anyone know it.

Fiore dei Liberi

Fiore is extremely legit, he’s considered one of the greats, and his writings are the core of a lot of modern HEMA fencers’ longsword game. He also tells you to knee your opponent in the balls. 

In this way, <I> myself would destroy your testicles with a hard knee, so that no strength will be present in the heart.

Which is not the wackiest thing in his manual, more of an aperitif. If your opponent is unarmoured it’s honestly pretty practical advice; balls have never stopped being balls. No, the dirtiest and most squirrely part of Fiore is where he tells you to hollow out the end of your polearm and fill it with blinding acid. 

This poleaxe of mine is filled with a powder and is hollow and perforated. And this powder is so strongly corrosive that the moment it touches your eye, you will no longer be able to open it, and you may be permanently blinded.

This is the powder that you use in the poleaxe drawn above. Take the sap of the spurge, and dry it in a warm oven to make a powder. Now take two ounces of this powder and one ounce of powder of fior d'preda, and mix them together. Now load this powder into the poleaxe shown above. You can do this with any good caustic powder, but you won’t find a better recipe than the one in this book.

Guy Windsor actually tracked down what fior d’preda is and landed on something within the genus euphorbia – there are also contemporary accounts of the plant being used in makeup and causing swelling to the face. 

Was the blinding polearm ever real? Well Fiore does know his shit, he’s generally considered reliable, and also I can find no other historical sources attesting to this device every actually being used. 

Giovanni Briocci’s Necessary Recommendations To Defend Yourself Against the Enemy According to the Various Accidents One May Encounter, Followed by the Way To Save Yourself From Many Dangerous Animals, That Is Dogs, Wolves, Snakes, Bulls, Bears and Horses, because nothing is funnier than the book’s actually title

Now Hundt I am willing to believe has been involved in an actual swordfight, or at the very least has read other manuals and copied their good advice down before adding his own bullshit. Giovanni Briocci on the other hand is ... I cannot stop reading this stupid manual, I'm obsessed. All of this is likely bullshit, and knowing that doesn't make it any less funny.

if you see that the opponent has his cloak on both his shoulders, you can take its two corners, as close as possible to the collar, and do it so that the said cloak makes him like a hood on the neck, so that pulling it strongly, he will be forced to fall down, to his disappointment.

Discussing this with a fellow fencer, she remarked that a Kiwi schoolyard brawl classic is pulling your opponent's hoodie down over their face then beating the shit out of them, which makes this the most plausible piece of advice in this entire manual.

When it occurs that your enemy comes against you with a halberd or another pole weapon in his hands, go quickly against him in a straight line and when you see that you are close to him, at the distance of a halberd strike, spring sideways because the enemy, seeing that you come close to him at the aforementioned distance will strike with his halberd. And once this strike is thrown, throw yourself on him and grab the pole, pull it from his hands the way it is drawn on the illustration.

Just rush the guy with a polearm and grab it bro, you'll be fine, there is no way this could go wrong.

SKILL TO TAKE AWAY THE SWORD FROM THE ENEMY’S HANDS

I am completely certain that many readers will mock this advice, but because I’m tired of these grandfathers, I care very little for their croakings, especially from those who pretend to be gifted in the art of fencing, and will make a thousand discussions on a single word, like those who judge without knowing that this art cannot be beaten. Their reasoning is fallacious; I hope to show them in another occasion. I want to show that for a generous heart of strong and judicious nature, to employ the art of fencing in a duel will be more damageable than beneficial, especially fighting against someone who knows nothing about it and defends against attacks with courage, following the rules teached by Nature, administered in case of necessity, and ultimately observe the ways of wrath. I say that, although between fencers, the most gifted will prevail, because the art is their rule, the one who knows his art better holds a better advantage. And there is no need to watch for the one with success in school, because the game is different of doing it for real. But anyway, any person who makes his profession of being a soldier or a knight should learn the art of fencing and wrestling and vaulting on horses, because when he does’nt know how to find a way out differently, at least he gets used to hold the sword well and to wield it, how to take the tempo, to be straight, to advance and retreat. It also helps to become fearless, so that when the occasion arises, wielding weapons will not appear to him as something new, and it is something very useful. But there is no need, I say, in a question, to attack a courageous man who knows nothing, by trusting a lot the rules of fencing. Because many died in this way, so much that from this comes the saying: The one who whants to show off will not be successful against the stubborn. I removed myself from fencing and I have won against it because the art does not benefit me. But to return to my first proposition, I will let them say what they want, I will only add this : that in every place where my work will be, I will be present to defend it, I will show with swift reasons where I am based. I hope that all the virtuous will praise me, those who do well, because with so little, even with the figures, there is not the place to explain everything about the essence of the matter, especially since my only purpose is that you go fighting with caution. For those who understand the whole thing with a few words, this last advice is only deemed as a nod. If however you find yourself armed only of a manopole, or a mail glove on your right hand, without any offensive weapon, when you see the enemy menacing you, see if it is possible to grasp his sword with the armoured hand, close to the middle, and pull it strongly with force, as if you wanted to throw it behind your back, because If you do this with tempo and skill, it will slip out of his hands. However, you could train this strong trick in your room.

Please god, try to take your opponent's sword off them, do it, rush them and grab their sword, this will go even better than the polearm thing. Briocci is not done though, for as little he knows about swords he knows even less about animals. Against wolves he recommends:

if a woman comes against a wolf or a lion raises her clothes against them and exposes herself, they will fall to the ground, if they don’t flee.

Against horses:

In doubt, when passing near a horse so that he does not bite you, like a lot of horses do viciously, spit in his face at the same time you pass near him, because doing so, almost avery horse will move his head aside during the aforesaid action.

I want to note that he doesn't specify that you should do this is you see the horse trying to bite you, he's just advocating pre-emptively spitting at horses, which I must assume there would've been a lot of in the 17th century, and I'm imagining him just machine-gunning spit as he walks through the market.

Finally, against bears, he wants you to put your hand down their throat:

The bear has this propriety that when he wants to attack someone, he lifts himself on two feets and goes with his mouth open. However If a man finds himself with a weapon, he draws it. And a shorter weapon is better than a long one, like a knife or a poniard. Holding it in the right hand, take a stone in the left, in such a way that it protrudes both up and down the hand. And If you don’t have a stone, take a six inch piece of wood, and holding it in your fist, it surpasses the hand here and there. Also, if it’s possible, do so that he has to walk diagonally, so that he comes crossing, and in this way, go around thre bear, who comes on his feet with an open mouth, put your left hand in his mouth and push it somewhat inside his throat (because the bear will put in his mouth the first thing offered before him) and in the same time, go against the belly with the poniard with all the strength you have, and if possible, redouble the strikes. But be careful to draw your face backwards as much as you can to dodge some paws, because the bear, not able to prevail with his maw is constrained by the stone in his throat, or the wood that is imbedded in this way between the upper and lower jaw, so that he cannot close it. Especially if the wood is sharp, or iron-tipped. The bear has another propriety that you can witness : once hurt he abandons the fight and everything about his wounds. There are some who did as much, pushing the left hand in the mouth, and doing so with the cloak.

I want to believe he actually tried this, so desperately, just shoving a rock down a bear's throat then trying to shank it to death. I don't think he did, because his cause of death was not "bear", but a girl can dream.

WHAT ELSE IS UP?

It's the end of the year and awards eligibility season! Frustratingly a lot of pieces I was super proud of got pushed back to Q1 2025 but The Sunforge is eligible for Best Novel. Look I know my odds here and they're not good, but low odds are better than no odds. Also if you liked the book, please leave a rating/review – they really do matter to publishers.

On the other hand, my essay Is it possible to keep your voice and soul while writing for an international market? popped off on multiple platforms, and is eligible for Best Related Work or whatever the award calls their 'misc' category. I think it has a real shot, and if you liked it, please keep it in consideration while nominating.

This has been a meaty one so I guess I'll sign off there,

Mā te wā,
Alexandra Stronach