March '25: sipping on that haterade

This week we're going down a rabbit hole, because one of the world’s worst men has walked into my area of expertise – ladies, gentlemen, and those that lie betwixt, let’s talk about Andrew Tate’s dogshit sword. 

Okay first up, it looks cheap. Which is hilarious because it costs twelve hundred united states smackeroos. 

That’s right, this thing isn’t from a forge that makes weapons for HEMA, it’s from right-wing collectibles manufacturer Franklin Mint, so if you want to buy a 1:24 model of a 1959 Chevy at the same time you’re in luck. It is apparently a replica of the Coronation Sword of Napoleon the First which—okay look we’ll get back to that. 

How did I find out it was from Franklin Mint? Well, the comments of this reddit post, where reddit user KaleidoscopeTough511 is trying to identify a blade he found in the garbage. 

The comments also contain links to auctions where it was sold for $200 USD and for – and I must slow down for a minute, to really emphasise this – £20. Twenty British Pounds. Franklin Mint sell it for $1200 but I cannot find a single reseller who tries to move it at over $300 and a vast majority sell it at a significantly lower price point, probably because people are literally throwing it in the trash for random redditors to find. 

Most HEMAists know that when buying swords it’s usually cheaper to go through the forge directly, since resellers tend to charge a markup. Nobody is charging a markup on this thing, they’re just eating a loss trying to get rid of it. You’re not going to find it at any of the usually HEMA resellers anyway, because there’s absolutely no way it’s tournament legal. 

We have a term for this kinda sword, a wall hanger. As in, it’s not for fencing, it’s a decoration that belongs on the wall. It’s totally fine to own a wall hanger, but it feels revealing that Andrew Tate’s weapon is purely decorative, like he hyped himself up as a paragon of masculinity but it’s all just surface-level, it’s decorative, it’s not meant for actual use. 

Nice wall hangers exist! This isn't one of them though. Just pure eyeballing here, but I think I know why: it looks cheap. Higher-res images of the hilt make it look better, but not much.

Like congratulations, it no longer looks like cheap plastic, it now looks like a movie prop that isn’t really meant to be seen up close i.e. expensive plastic. What it doesn’t look like is a functional sword you could use in any sort of sporting or military context. 

Which is fine, because it’s a coronation sword, it’s meant to be ceremonial and pretty, and it’s the coronation sword of Emperor Napoleon the First, right? 

“Sascha,” I hear you ask “the fuck do you mean absolutely not lmao?” 

This is Emperor Napoleon the First’s Coronation Sword. You may recognise it as “the one that’s completely different to Andrew Tate’s”.

"You're saying it's not the same? Not even a little bit?" Well, the decoration on the blade isn’t identical but is in a similar style, which is interesting in-and-of-itself. 

So just what the fuck is this sword? 

Folks, meet Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte the First’s little brother Jeremy. 

Jérôme Bonaparte aka Jermone Napoleon the First (aka Jeza to his mates) is not the guy you think of when somebody says ‘Napoleon’. He was King of Westphalia from 1807 to 1813. He stopped being King because Westphalia got invaded by Prussia and dissolved. He fled to France and spent the rest of his life kinda just fucking about. Guess what his sword looked like. 

There it is. Whoever made the replica didn’t bother with the emeralds. Probably too tricky, when you’re selling a sword for $1200 you need to cut some corners y’know? 

Oh you can have some incredibly beautiful weapons for significantly cheaper than that? Like most nice high-end custom HEMA swords come in around a grand? Like my dream super fancy “if i sell a book for six figures” pie-in-the-sky gift to myself, complete with custom engraving, still comes in under $1000? Anyway, so, it’s the wrong Napoleon’s sword, that’s fine, it’s not like it comes with a plaque that says it’s the sword of Emperor Napoleon the First Right.

Aw bro, oh no, you done it now. 

Aww nooooooooooo.

Did I just catch Franklin Mint doing fraud? Genuine question for the lawyers amongst you, is this fraud? Is Andrew Tate's £20 Found In The Trash plastic wall hanger also completely falsely advertising itself? Has Andy found himself caught up in somebody else's g̶r̶i̶f̶t̶ hustle?

It all feels like Andrew Tate in a nutshell, a bad replica of the wrong sword, wildly overpriced, falsely advertised, appealing only to 15 year-old boys, the sword of a complete failure of a man trying to coat desperately trying to pretend otherwise.

And if Andy takes issue with that: fence me, bitch.

That's all for this month. As always, buy my books, they're good and you'll like them.

Mā te wā,
Sascha